


i want to tell you this story without having to confess anything (i want to tell you this story without having to be in it)

by ffslynch



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, M/M, letters au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:20:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26998837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffslynch/pseuds/ffslynch
Summary: 5 times Kuroo writes letters to Kenma and one time Kenma writes back.(#HaikyuuAngstWeek2020 day 4: Broken promises / Death / I wish this never happened)
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Kozume Kenma, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970500
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	i want to tell you this story without having to confess anything (i want to tell you this story without having to be in it)

_ March 14th, 2003 _

Dear Kenma,

I went by your house today again, and your mother told me you’re staying with your grandparents for a whole other 2 weeks! I’m a little sad cause I had planned all these cool things for us to do this summer but when you come back we will only have 3 days before classes come back and I know you probably will be too tired to go out with me. My grandma said if I missed you then I should call you, but I know you don’t like talking on the phone, so she told me to write you a letter. I don’t know if I will send you this but I do miss you so thought it would be nice to write it anyway.

I’m also afraid it would be a little weird if I did call you or sent the letter. We haven’t seen each other in a month!! A MONTH!! What if you don’t remember me any more?? Or don’t want to talk to me? Maybe you even made new friends! 

Ok, I’m making myself sad now. I’m going to change subjects if that’s ok (I like to think that if you were here talking to me you would hum and nod, still watching your game, like you always do. I don’t mind that you never take your head out of the game while playing, I know you’re listening to me.)

Your mum said you took your game boy but I imagine there aren’t lot’s of video games or fun stuff for you at your grandparents house, so you must be pretty bored. I bet they make you sleep early and eat vegetables hahaha but I know you like them, and your grandma makes the best daifuku, so hopefully you’re having a good time! I would say that I hope you’ve been playing volleyball and training on your own, so we can level up when you come back, but I’m not stupid. I know I will have to make you play and train with me so we can both be into shape when you come back, but that's ok! That means playing and spending time together and I really enjoy that! 

I had to write an essay during school break, I had to choose someone that was important to me and talk about them. I thought about writing about my mum, but it made me too sad. I cried and I hate crying. I think I've been sad a lot lately. But then I decided to write about you! I've been thinking a lot and I think you're my best friend. It's ok if I'm not yours, I know I can't compete with your video games hahaha I don't mind that tho, I like to think that you also consider me your friend, and that you also miss me (at least a little bit). If you were here you would tell me I'm being weird and sappy, so I'm going to stop now. I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable (even if I'm not actually sending this letter) because then you wouldn't want to be my friend, and I promised you before you went away that we will always be friends! You’re my best friend Kenma. I miss you lots, even if you don't miss me. 

I hope you come back from vacation soon!

Your friend,

Kuroo

_ January 17th, 2010 _

Dear Kenma,

It's been a while since I've written one of these, but I am very bored in class and I need to pretend to be working, so that's what I'm focusing on. 

There is only one month of class left but I swear it's the longest month ever. It has been January for like, 5 years now. 

I’m so happy you’re joining Nekoma! I can’t believe we’re playing together again! I think you're really going to like the team and Nekomata! Yaku is really annoying (as you know) but Kai is pretty nice, so I hope you don't dread it too much. You talk a lot about how much you hate playing but I don't believe you one bit.

My senpais can be a little bit harsh sometimes, but I know they will recognize all of your potential, and how amazing you will be for our team! I promise! 

I'm just relieved we will finally be able to see each other and talk more often. Yes, I know that we hang out every weekend and Wednesday, but still. I miss talking to you on the way from and back school, I feel like you’re the only one that understands me sometimes. Also, I worry that you might get kidnapped before you're playing instead of paying attention to your surroundings. If you ever read this I can just picture you rolling your eyes and saying I worry too much, but I can’t really help it, I always worry about you. I’m not really sure why, I don’t think I feel like that with anyone else. 

Ugh this class is so boring. And I’m hungry. I think after class I might go by the market and get a snack, they have my favourite shrimp chips. I can also buy you one of those microwave apple pies and drop by your house. I’m sure you will need it after your math exam. 

Oh, I think my class is over. I should probably stop writing this. I wish I could be talking to you face to face, but it’s ok, next year I’ll be able to see you every day, and things will go back to how they were. I can’t wait for it.

Your best, and bored, friend,

Kuroo.

_ June 12th, 2013 _

Dear Kenma, 

I think I’m in love with you. I think this is a long time coming. 

It’s so dumb. Movies always make it look like it’s going to be this great, huge moment but it isn’t. I realized yesterday, when we were coming home. You laughed at some dumb joke I did and the sunlight hit you just right and I don’t know what happened. I couldn’t even breathe properly, all I could do was think about how much I trust you and how much I enjoy your company and how pretty your laugh is and how much want to hear it every single day for the rest of my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to kiss you. I still can’t stop thinking about it. 

I don’t know if you know or not. You always say I’m awful at hiding my feelings, and you’re pretty much an expert at reading me by now, but could you have noticed even if I didn’t? It would be rude if you knew I was in love with you and never told me about it, I think I’d be upset. But I don’t think you could know. I hope you don’t.

I hope you don’t, because I don’t think you feel the same. I’ve seen it before - the face you make when you like someone. I know the way you’ve looked at the Karasuno middle blocker. 

Maybe one day I’ll tell you. I promise I’ll at least try. Not like this, face to face. I want to see your eyes when I do. I think you deserve the honesty, and I promise to give it to you. You’re still my best friend, and I hope we will always be best friends regardless - even when I do get around telling you. 

But until then, I’m not brave enough. I’m not ready for you to tell me ‘no’, for me to ruin everything (you always said I have a big mouth and talk too much, that it would get me into trouble. I could never hate you, but I think I would hate a little the fact that you’re always right.). Until then, I will do like my grandmother said, and just write down all my feelings. Everything I can’t say to you. Every word that is screaming inside of me. It feels a relief to let them out, even if it’s like this. Even if you’ll never read this. 

I love you, Kenma. I don't think I’ll never get tired of saying it. I hope I can tell you to your face one day. I hope I can hear it from you. 

But, if not or at least until then, I'll stick to writing them down to you. 

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Yours,

Kuroo. 

_ April 25th, 2018 _

Dear Kenma,

Congratulations! It’s your wedding day! You’re a beautiful groom, Akaashi is a lucky man. 

You asked me to promise I’d behave myself and not do anything embarrassing. I’m sorry (but not really) I promised I wouldn’t, and then made a huge speech and a whole ass surprise. But I don’t really regret it - you may call me cringy and dramatic all you want, but the smile you gave when the surprise band began playing was genuine and I know that. I’ve been watching your smile for too long to not recognize when it’s true or just pretending. And it made Akaashi happy as well, which makes you happy. And that is all that matters to me. 

I had promised myself I wouldn’t cry, and I already failed a few times. I had also promised you I wouldn’t cry, but I did it for other reasons so I think it doesn’t count as a broken promise. 

You told me not to cry because ‘I am an overemotional goof’, and I didn’t! I cried because I am hopelessly in love with my best friend that is getting married and I’m the best man. Ha! Life is funny like that. If this was a movie, maybe the ending would be different, but this is real life and we’re both grown men. It’s too late to tell hidden secrets or to keep playing pretend inside my head that we could be something more. 

I'm glad you're happy. I promise I will always be there for you, regardless. This will never change. I love you too much to leave.

I need a drink, I made myself sick and sad writing this and tonight it’s not about me, but about you and the wonderful happy life you have ahead of you, with Akaashi. 

Your best-man,

Kuroo.

_ October 1st, 2021 _

Dear Kenma,

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry I never confessed. 

I’m sorry I moved away without telling you and went low contact.

I’m sorry I never told you my new phone number.

I’m sorry I realized too late I was in love with you.

Hey, maybe in some other life, right? In a parallel universe. Right person, wrong time, something like that…

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense or if I make grammar mistakes and my calligraphy is not the best. I've been drinking a little tonight. A lot actually. It's just a bad day. I just feel sad and miss you. I’ll get over it eventually, I keep reminding myself to forget about my feelings for you pretty much every day. It works most part of the time, except when I’m alone. Or when I see a picture of you. Or when I listen to a song that reminds me of you. Or when I eat something I think you’d like...

I could never tell you everything that I felt that day I realized how much I loved you, or about every time I wanted to kiss you. I guess in the end there was a whole side of me that you never got to know. Maybe we weren't that much of friends by the end of it. That's a lie. That's the grossest lie I've ever written. Because if we were not such good friends, if you did not meant so much to me then maybe...Maybe I would have risked it all. If I loved you less, then maybe I would have been able to tell you about it. But I couldn't, you were too important. Still are, even if I'm away. Even if we haven't seen each other in over a year. Even if I never see you again, you'll still be the most important person to me. How could you not be? You're Kenma. 

Sometimes I have these dreams of a life in which I confessed. We’re happy together. We kiss and laugh and I have pancake on sundays. Very american dream-esque. I think this is the only way that I could think about us, in this strange irrealistic scenario that seems to be taken out of a movie. Because it’s not real, never was and never will be. There is no us. There is only you (with your shiny wedding ring and happy married life) and me and these page, pouring out everything I can’t say out loud. 

But you don’t have to hear any of that, and you won’t, I kinda made sure of that didn’t I? I’m sorry. I hope you weren’t too upset when you found out I had muted you on social media. But you’re happy and that’s what matters. 

I promise you I'm fine. Not that you would know, or care. 

Unfortunately, and always, yours, 

Kuroo

_ May 30th, 2023 _

Kuro,

I found your letters, cleaning out your apartment. You never changed your emergency contact, so they called me. 

You’re the stupidest person I have ever met. We didn’t need a parallel universe. You had me. You had me for pretty much almost all the time we knew each other.

You had 15 years, Kuroo. 15 fucking years. You had all the time in the world from when we met until I was in my third year in college. You had plenty of time before I met Akaashi. But you just couldn’t tell me. Couldn’t get over your stupid fear for fucking 5 seconds and tell me how you felt, until it was too late. 

I am so mad at you right now. 

I’m mad you left me. You were my best friend.

I’m mad you lied, again and again. You managed to break every single promise you made. 

I'm mad you disappeared and didn't change your stupid emergency contact, and I was the one that had to identify your body and tell your dad and your grandma what happened.

I'm mad you're not here any more.

I love you. Not like I used to, Akaashi is my husband and the love of my life now, but I did love you like that back then, and I still love you right now. You're still my best friend. 

I miss you. I think I'll miss forever. I'll never forget you.

I wish you would come back.

I wish I'd wake up and this is just a nightmare and you're still here, just burst into my apartment like you always did. 

You were good at pulling off the impossible, and doing the unexpected. So this is me, begging you to do the impossible and come back. Call me. Show up at my door and tell me it’s a bad joke. Come back for me, please. Please. Please. 

Kuro, please come back.

I miss you,

Kenma. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello, thank you for reading! I hope you like it, all feedback is greatly appreciated!  
> You can always come yell at me you can find me [here!](https://twitter.com/ffskuroo)


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